Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
