i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
