two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
