WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
