Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
you will always have a special place in my vag
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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