Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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