come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
