ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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