I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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