Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
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