i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
