Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize