Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
