Did you just see the Batmobile???
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
