I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize