3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
