so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Your cock deserves a montage
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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