it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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