I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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