guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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