Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
