we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
