wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
