i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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