I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
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