gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
