Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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