i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
