Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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