this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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