i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
