I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
