What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
