Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
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