I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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