is your mom at the bar?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
