I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize