I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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