don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
