Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
