So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
you mean i was at the winter classic?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
