If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I still have a little drunk in my system
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
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