My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize