I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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