My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
