Please, let me fuck your mom
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
