I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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