I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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