Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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