Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
