I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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