The maid of honor just puked.
I CAN MOONWALK!
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
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