So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
