so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
