I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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