I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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