Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
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