Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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