I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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