My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Randomize
