You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Randomize
