I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
