He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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