Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
